so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
