Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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