I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
