The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We have so much sex to catch up on
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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