I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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