Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize