you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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