I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
