I can tuck mytits in my pants
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
