At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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