I think I won the penis lottery.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
