Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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