I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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