It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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