I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
