Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
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I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
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No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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