Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
