can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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