OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
