Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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