I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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