This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
