i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
