How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
