apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
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Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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