got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
