I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
