sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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