I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
