After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
