yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
