i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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