I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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