I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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