i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
