i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
