I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
