the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
