shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
