Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
