our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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