I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
