I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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