I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize