I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
