apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
