why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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