if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
