you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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