I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
