I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I fill condoms, not promises.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
