We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
