It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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