Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
