My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
whose parrot is this?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
