Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
