Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
